Written by See Change Ambassador Neil Kelders
It was decision time. Accept my depression and address it or…….the inevitable!! Reality has hit, YOU CAN’T ESCAPE IT; you can lose yourself but you will be found, you can move but you cannot hide, you can accept it and begin to move on.
I’m not after sympathy or a pat on the back, I just want to share my story and let people know how grateful I am to be here to share. I know I am one of the lucky ones.
I have been and continue my journey of accepting, addressing and managing this unwanted condition. I am exploring myself; a new self, to a certain extent my old self but ideally my true self in the here and now.
My path to ‘freedom’ was a constant battle, one which I tried to fight alone for over 20 years. Losing more than winning, each loss allowing me to seep between the cracks to an inevitable end. Nobody knows, nobody cares, nobody will notice….
I now write a blog (www.neilkelders.com), my life story with depression. However, all my life I was making the number one fundamental error. I wasn’t sharing, not confiding, I didn’t voice my struggles. Even when I know sharing will bring me around, expedite the change back to my true self, I didn’t do it. I listened; I listened to those negative thoughts, those internal parasites.
Throughout my two decades with depression and anxiety I have tried and tested many tools in the hope to overcome each individual battle. I failed and failed miserably.
Daily routines suffered, on many occasions my clients were left down last minute, not by a phone call but a weak text without true explanation, not a chance could I face being be out amongst the masses. I curl up in bed, laying foetal, in darkness, stillness, clutching my duvet over my head, phone off, headphones on to dull out the noise of the world and maybe those parasites. Life stopped!
My journey is not just about me, it is about those close to me. The impact this revelation has on them is something I will never understand. We are coming at this issue from totally different stand; For me there is no or was no hope, no point to life, the light I see is the ‘light of death’, that is my freedom, to my loved ones there is always hope, they will protect me and guide me to their light, the ‘light of life’. They have been my rock, my reason to overcome all the odds I stacked against myself.
Life is a Journey……………………we all have ONE ticket!